confidence

how do you do things right...? i'm not sure. doing things right was never my forte. screwing up however, i'm really good at it. like what happened today at top table. i couldn't do the coffee machine at all... i was too afraid. afraid of imperfection, afraid of criticisms. i'm really sorry andrea... i'm not sure whether i was a disappointment but i really felt like a let down. i broke so many things and screwed up so much during the course of SSM. i'm worried about next week.i love being steward. because i am out of the reach of guests which leaves the rest of the group safe from a lousy grade. i don't want to screw up anymore but i still do no matter how i try. i really wished i had confidence. but i just wasn't born with it....

an arduous monotonous task
a never ending pile of repeat work behind the bar
my mechanical hands continued but
my head drifted away....
to a time not so long ago
events which took place, at least in the past 2 hours
vinegar on my shoes, broken pieces of a wine glass in the basin
chips off a coffee cup and shaker glass
what a way to start off your day

how they hit your morale so hard
till your head becomes too heavy to lift
but the day had just begun
you can't be a let down more than you already are
people are counting on you
a heavy head ain't no reason for disappointment
Buck up for goodness sakes!

it seemed wrong... but
my mind continued to drift further
to again a time not that long ago
but a little less recent
couple of things i messed up in my life
it began with
confusion, mixed feelings,
somehow.... curiosity, finally
broken hearts and chipped relationships

i watched my own movie in my head
where you were the lead
and you never knew of the director
the director couldn't have you smile at the camera though
but you were so carefree and smiling
preoccupied with your life
it didn't matter anymore
maybe they would call it a 'natural' take

then a thunderous voice struck me...
shakened back into reality
once again behind the bar
the glasses look so intimidating now
stop dreaming!
MOCKTAILS!